Day 22.. Battling Withdrawals

One of the most common problems one endures when they are coming over an addiction is the withdrawal symptoms. They begin to feel like they're stressed out and on the verge of a panic attack; like they're about to snap at any second and lash out, or even have a relapse. While I don't think I'm capable of falling back to my old ways at the current juncture -- temptation urges that I'm ignoring notwithstanding -- I do feel like I'm a little on edge.

Earlier today and last night, I was displaying signs of tenseness. I felt like I couldn't breathe and had a general malaise about myself. One would think it is a withdrawal symptom since I've pretty much gone cold turkey during the past three weeks, save for a couple questionable instances that didn't cost me any money, but could raise concerns about the validity of my quest (darn you, Pogo.com!).

Then again, those who have heard of my recent rituals for the past week, this could also be attributed to possible sleep deprivation. One's body clock isn't really something they should be tinkering with without a valid reason. And while I have enjoyed conversing with my Australian friend until almost dawn's early light, the nightly chat's until 3 and 4 in the morning have started to take their toll on me. I feel they've started to wear me out. Then, sensing how I appear to be in a weakened state, the temptress plotted an attack.

When I received the mail today, amongst it was an ad mail addressed to yours truly. It was from the racetrack slots facility I usually go to sporadically offering me a limited time offer of free slots play. The offer is only a $10 value, and only valid for the entire month of April; right when I am in the stretch run of my quest. I sensed it as a test of my will. Would I cave into the temptation and abandon the progress I've made so far? Or will I stick to my guns and ignore the bait? Or, will I meet them halfway: the offer is good until the end of April, and technically, the completion date of my abstinence is one week prior to the expiration of the promotion.

My mind raced with the options. The first was definitely out because I wanted to stay true to myself. The real choice I have is to either wait it out and take advantage of it once Easter has come and gone, or extend my mission and cast a blind eye to the opportunity to sin once Lent is complete. It's not an easy decision given my history, but one I need to make eventually. One thing is for sure, I still have another 25 days to survive, and I will not waver in that regard. The question is, do I throw it all away once those three and a half weeks have come and gone and return to my old ways, or do I tough it out for longer?

It's dilemmas like this that test a rehabilitating addict's meddle. And while I may seem beaten down by other factors at the current juncture, it's the will to stick to my goals that will help make me stronger in the attempt.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but I seriously need to get at least one good night's sleep before the witching hour Thursday night. Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow.

Days 20 & 21.. Dealing with Social Acceptance

They say one usually goes into shock when they believe they know someone well, but then that someone does something that is a complete opposite to what the first person thought of them. This turned out to happen to me earlier this evening.

I was on the phone with a very dear friend of mine and she happened to be checking her Facebook news feed while I was talking to her. I know, some people might think that's kind of a rude behaviour, but in today's world of technology, it's become socially acceptable. Anyway, she was reading her news feed when she saw something that completely shocked her to the point where she begged me to hop onto the social networking service to see for myself. We ended the phone call and I headed to my computer to see what all the kerfuffle was about. What I saw knocked me for a bit of a loop.

It turns out one of our friends from the online community where we first met had gotten married, and they had just posted the photos from the occasion to their Facebook profile. There's nothing wrong with that, save for we didn't know they were in a relationship. However, the real shocker was that it turned out to be a civil ceremony.. with their same-sex partner.

Naturally, my friend and I were flabbergasted. My friend, a member of her local Catholic church, thought our newly married acquaintance was someone who was on the religious side, and such a union would be frowned upon. I, on the other hand, took a different approach to the matter. I accepted our acquaintance's vows and stated that if the person they married made them happy, I had no qualms with it. I think it's because a couple of my local writing compatriots fall under LGBT umbrella that I'm able to be more understanding of such civil unions. But that got me to thinking about other things.

My acquaintance's marriage will undoubtedly have a few critics along the way; primarily those who believe that same-sex unions are unholy and that such an institution should be between a man and a woman. To that I say such believers still have an antiquated mindset that is in serious need of an update. If my acquaintance truly believes this is what makes them happy, then it is unfair to deny them such happiness.

I too have my share of critics. Some people believe I will not survive the duration of Lent without gambling in some shape or form. And yes, there have been a couple of times where I have experienced weakness and debated giving into the temptation. However, I've held strong during the past 3 weeks and I will continue to do so for the next 4 and hopefully beyond. I'm doing it not only because I want to better myself, but I believe I can do it. If one has a strong belief in something that makes them feel good about themselves, then such a thing should not be denied.

Others should not dictate their beliefs because of what's right or what's wrong in society. That's why the world is as polarized as it is today; whether it be political, religious, financial, or whatever factor. If we can all accept each other for who we are and not for some "ideal" of how they want us to be, then there would be fewer problems on this crazy planet of ours.

That's why I'm happy for my acquaintance's recent vows. May their marriage be a loving and long-lasting one.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but I think that Ceaser salad I had for dinner didn't agree with me. This is some nasty indigestion I got right here.

Days 18 & 19.. The Calm Before The Writing Storm

"Is it time to panic yet?"

"No, there's still 5 more days."

"But soon though, right?"

This Friday is the start of my springtime writing challenge, and while I've done some planning, the actual mountain I intend to ascend is beginning to look a little daunting.

The challenge I speak of is known as "Script Frenzy." It's run by the same people who challenge participants to scribe a novel every November during "National Novel Writing Month" (NaNo); however, the task differs between the two.

While the objective during the month-long autumn period is to create a 50,000-word novel, for Script Frenzy, participants are challenged to pen 100 pages of scripted material. Most people think this applies to writing a movie screenplay, but that's not the case. Participants can write a stage play, a script made for television, or the dialogue for a graphic novel. The possibilities are endless, but the main requirements are they have to be done as a script, they can only be written between 12:01 a.m. April 1st and 11:59 p.m. April 30th, and the total output in the end has to be at least 100 pages.

Some people say that doing in Script Frenzy is easier than doing NaNo, and to an extent, I agree with them. With NaNo, you have to write a novel from basically scratch (save for plotting notes) and you have to write it by yourself with no help; save from supporters. Script Frenzy isn't as stringent in that regard. For the April-long task, adaptations of your previous NaNo novels are allowed, and if you desire, you can form a team of two with someone else and work on your script(s) together. Also, some critics say that the actual word count for a 100-page script is fewer than a novel written in November (20,000 words for the script vs. 50,000 words for NaNo). With the minimum word count being lower for a completed work, it's no wonder I was able to hammer out two screenplays last year.

This year, I have my sights set on writing a television comedy series. At first, I was thinking of creating a full 13-episode season. However, remembering my little "biting off more than I could chew" incident from last November, I have scaled back my plot ideas for 9 episodes; which would slightly exceed my output from last April. Whether or not I'll try to extend that towards the full 13 will depend on my progress and how I'm feeling throughout the course of next month. If I stick to the 9-episode goal, I would have to average an episode roughly every 3 days. That seems like a daunting task, but if I pace myself and write about 8 pages a day, it should be achievable with no problem. Otherwise, I'll just take things as they come.

However, you don't have to set a lofty goal like I'm trying to do. If you think you have a creative itch that needs to be scratched or you have a script inside of you just waiting to be written, surf on over to the Script Frenzy website at: http://www.scriptfrenzy.org and sign-up today. We kick off our 2011 adventure this Friday morning, and run for 30 days; so don't delay. And if you need a hand in with your creation, check out the How-To guides for tips on how to format your work and links to some wickedly cool software that will help you lay it all out. (I use Celtx. (http://www.celtx.com) It's a free software that does the formatting for you, and gives you some templates to help give you an idea.)

So if you'd like, please come along for a month-long ride of creativity. It's gonna be a scripted blast!

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but I have to make sure I'm stocked up on energy supplies for the month ahead. Oooooo, coffee pu'erh tea.

Day 16 & 17... Non-caffeinated Insomnia

One of the things I have learned over the years of being online that is really cool is the ability to talk to people all around the world. It makes one realize that via technology, we can bring people together from other sides of the globe for some good conversation. However, there are certain drawbacks to such a novelty.

Case in point, the past couple of nights I had taken to the opportunity to chat via messaging on Facebook with a friend I know from a message Forum for our favourite television series. (Duesers represent!) Here's the cool thing about it: I'm based in my high-rise abode in Toronto, Canada. My friend is logging on from Sydney, Australia. How cool is that?

Now, I confess I'm a little bit of a night owl to begin with. I've been known to call it a night at around 1:30 - 2 in the morning; and that's not during my writing marathons that take place in November and April where I push my insomnia to slightly later. However, in my defense, those semi-annual fits usually involve the ingestion of copious amounts of caffeine and/or sugar to cause my lack of sleep. The past couple of nights have been different though.

On Wednesday night, I discovered she was on Facebook, so I sent a friend request that she accepted. Just after she sent me a note thanking me for adding her. That started a messaging tete-a-tete that lasted until 3 in the morning my time. You'd think after that late night I would want to try to turn in at a more reasonable time the next evening. Unfortunately, it would not be the case.

Thursday night, I ended up making a comment to a posting she had made on her Facebook wall, and then the conversation started up again; this time lasting until 3:45 a.m. The remarkable thing about this is that I had not drank any coffee to cause me to stay awake for that long. The only thing remotely resembling a caffeine ingestion was the mug of black tea that had been infused with coconut and vanilla I consumed on Thursday night. It's a good thing I don't have any of that pu'erh tea with the coffee bean extracts laced in it. That would be definite grounds for caffeine-induced insomnia.

The slight irony of all of this is that in another week, I will be embarking on one of my semi-annual writing challenges where sleepless nights will be the norm for a good four weeks. Some people would write the past two nights off as crazy; others on the more unhinged side of the coin would claim this is a training exercise for what soon lies ahead. The way I see it, as long as I'm able to enjoy some entertaining conversation with a friend, its easy to lose track of time; just as long as my overall health doesn't suffer from it. And hey, if it means keeping my mind off lottery products, all the better.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but afternoon naps can help along the way too.

Day 15... Cold purity

One of the things residents of Southern Ontario can expect in March is the uncertainty of the weather. While the calendar may say that spring has already commenced, people living within this region are still susceptible to one last gasp of life from Ol' Man Winter. This happened to be the case today in my neck of the woods.

But first, a little backtracking: For a few days during the past week, we here in Toronto had been basking in some warmth that made one believe we were in the throws of late April or early May. The mercury had climbed one day to 14-degrees Celsius (that's around 57-degrees Fahrenheit for those readers in the U.S.). We even had a few rain showers to give it a true spring season feel to everything. Then in the course of 24 hours, all of that feeling of rebirth was snuffed out by an Arctic blast.

The temperature dropped like the Stock Market on that October day back in 1929. The warm air was replaced with cold, wintery winds, and snow blanketed the region. In Toronto alone, we received close to 10 centimetres worth of the white stuff (or about 4 inches). The driving conditions were a nightmare on the city's roads and highways with the Canadian Automotive Association responding to hundreds of fender benders. Thankfully, I don't drive, but I realize others need to. I didn't envy them having to navigate in all of this. Yet, in all of this weather-created chaos, I felt a calming purity to the weather.

The cool winds brought a fresh cleanliness to the air around me, and as the snow blanketed the streets and sidewalks, it reminded me of a plain white canvas where the most creative of artists could create a masterpiece. Children could play within the sweet pureness of the snowfall with some snow angels and showcase their innocence in a world of distractions and temptations of their televisions and mobile internet. Unfortunately, if I know how most individuals treat their surrounding environment in this city, the freshly fallen snow will just provide a blanket for their ongoing filth and complete disregard for the beauty of their natural surroundings. It's one of the more disheartening things I observe around me, but one I begrudgingly accept with living in a big city. But for now, I will just relish in the cool, wintery purity of my surroundings for the time being, and in the process, find some inner peace within.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but I wonder if this is good enough packing powder for a snow fight.

Day 14.. Battling Another Hinderance

A wise man once said, "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." If memory serves me right, he suffered quite a few concussions over the years, but that adage has stayed with me to this day.

While most of the readers who have been following my progress reports during my attempt to battle my gambling addiction during Lent believe that this is one personal demon I'm taking on, there is another personal demon I've been battling behind the scenes. And it's a war I've been waging for many years, and will continue to duel with for many years to come.

I made mention of this war in one of the first posts I ever made on this blog many months ago, back when I was doing sporadic entries. And while it's not a comfortable thing to admit for some people, I take ownership of this "problem" and have no qualms about being up front with it. My plight is this: I suffer from mental illness.

I've been classed as someone who is bipolar -- someone with two different personalities. Most times I'm a pretty outgoing guy; a little shy at first, but sociable once I come out of my shell. However, there are other times when I take on a whole different persona. Someone who is unlike my normal self; and ends up displaying some rather uncharacteristic behaviour. It's like I completely switch gears and become almost a scary opposite. But when I eventually snap back to reality, I begin to feel remorse for whatever outlandish thing I had done.

I've come to terms with the fact my personality has it's own "two sides of the coin", per se. It's been ingrained into my mental wiring, and it's something I try to control with help. However, it has gotten me to thinking, could my gambling addiction be linked to my personality disorder? When I have a lottery product in my hand or am on the gaming floor, I become an entirely different person. Granted, I am still civil and not causing a disturbance amongst other players, but it's like I step into a different zone and I become a frenzied player on the inside. I know common sense wants me to stop, but I keep wanting to play more; like I'm not satisfied enough until I get a perceived adequate fill.

I think that's the root for most addictive behaviour. When one is addicted to a certain thing, they crave more and more until they believe their need has been satisfied. The trick is, knowing what that satisfaction threshold is. For some people, it's minimal and doesn't really lead to destructive behaviour. For addicts, like I am with gambling, their satisfaction point is much greater and can lead to problems. The mental training an addict needs to do is to lower that point of gratification so it can be at a level where you can still have some enjoyment, but not cause unrepairable damage to one's life.

That's what I'm eventually trying to do with this exercise: I'm attempting to reprogram my brain by wiping my slate clean (going cold turkey for Lent) and then re-educating myself so I can eventually reintroduce it in a responsible manner where I won't go overboard and lose my shirt all over again in a feeble attempt to hit that one big score.

With my mental wiring the way it is it won't be easy, but if it is one way of finding a stability of personal ebb and flow, then I am willing to try. Hopefully, it will help keep my other personality in check over the long haul.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but I think I'm getting a grasp on my inner melon.

Days 12 & 13... Fighting Temptation, Round 2

Over the past couple of days, I've learned something: if I'm out and about and I'm feeling bored, the itch that's related to the addictive behaviour I'm trying to change starts crying for attention.

I noticed this twinge late Sunday afternoon. I had made the snap decision a few hours before to take a trip to Oshawa -- a community about 22 miles (35 kilometres) east of my place -- to take in the final regular season game for the city's major junior hockey franchise, the Generals. The Generals were taking on their division rival, the Peterborough Petes, before gearing up for the post-season that starts Thursday night with a best-of-7 match-up against the Kingston Frontenacs. The Petes were eliminated from the playoff race earlier in the day when the Belleville Bulls snatched the final spot in the post-season this year with a 3-2 win over the Brampton Batallion.

Anyway, the game didn't start until 7 in the evening, but I left my apartment early for concern that I wouldn't be able to get a ticket to the match-up. I arrived at the box office at 4:30 in the afternoon and scored an 11th row ducat in one of the corners of the arena. However, I was caught in a dilema. The gates didn't open until 6 p.m. It was 4:30. How was I going to kill 90 minutes until I would be able to make my way to my seat? One notion was handled with ease when I decided to grab an early dinner from a Quizno's near the arena. That killed some time. But after my meal, I was still feeling a smidge peckish. I went searching for a Tim Hortons near the arena. And after trekking a loop of about 6 short blocks west of the arena, I was able to locate one where I sat and scarfed back a donut and a 10-ounce hot chocolate. By the time I was done, it was about 5:15. I needed to kill more time. I decided to walk in the other direction; heading east. It was during this trek when the itch started to flare up.

I noticed a major convenience store chain further down the street and my brain started to flare up. The temptation said, "You haven't played a scratch ticket in a week and a half now. Isn't it time you shelled out $3 for an Instant Crossword?" I was in a bind. I wanted to stay true to my promise to myself, but the thought made me consider cheating on my vow. Fortunately, common sense snapped into my head. It pointed to me and said, "Remember your word. You promised not to buy any lottery products until after Easter. You've made such good progress so far. Don't throw it all away for one cheap thrill." I think what also helped was the fact that the convenience store was on the other side of a busy thoroughfare. I don't think playing chicken to sin was worth it. What also saved me was there was another Tim Hortons location on the side of the street I was on. So I ducked in there and had a 10-ounce coffee (and in the process, screwed up my sleep pattern Sunday night). By the time I finished my coffee and walked back to the arena, with my promise still intact, they had started letting people into the arena.

My roommate wanted a white Generals' jersey; which he gave me the money to purchase for him, so I ducked into the team store, bought the garment for him, and made my way to my seat. I would watch the game with a clear conscience; even ignoring the hawkers selling charity 50/50 tickets. Granted, I didn't notice them to begin with, but if I did, I would've declined their offer. Even if it was for charitable purposes, gambling is gambling, and I vowed to continue to abstain from it for the next 5 weeks.

The game ended up being a spirited affair with the home side winning by a final score of 3-1. After the game, I waited for a half hour for the bus to whisk me to my connecting commuter train to take me back home. While I waited, I ducked into a different convenience store, and while I did notice their scratch ticket display, all I purchased from there was a bag of potato chips. And let me just say, they come out with the weirdest flavours nowadays. The one I sampled was "honey mustard"-flavoured. They were interesting, but I was expecting a stronger taste from them. Of course, when you're used to slathering honey mustard on your lunchtime sandwich, you develop a defined taste for it.

I made it back through the apartment door just before 11:30 p.m. and a clearer conscience knowing that I had temptation playing with my head and I walked away from it without giving in. I just hope I can keep this up for another month and a bit.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but like Kanye once sang, "What that don't kill me can only make me stronger."

Day 11... The Power of Support

When one takes on the arduous task of doing a personal challenge, one of the easiest things they can possess to make the journey easier is a support circle. This can be true for any test one puts themselves through; whether it be a weight management program, a training regimine for an upcoming race, or -- in the case of yours truly -- an attempt for personal change in one's life.

I will confess, when I commenced this sojourn a week and a half ago, I didn't have many supporters. Then again, there wasn't a whole lot of people I told about my quest going into it. It was a spur of the moment idea where I wanted to change something about my nature, and I saw Lent as the opportunity to start the ball rolling for this conditioning.

I decided to post links to these "musing progress reports" to my Twitter and Facebook account in hopes I would get people who follow me on those social networks to see my progression as the days go on; which is kind of funny. I was never really into marketing in college; yet, in a way, by referring people to these postings, I'm actually promoting myself. Imagine that? But I'm starting to veer off topic.

I did not expect my friends to follow along in my journey. Perhaps a couple of people I had informed about my personal test, but that's about it. However, as I continued my path, I received some words of encouragement from others. One from a friend whom I admit I have been lax on staying in touch with recently. I should give them a call sometime to check in with them.

The latest compliment came from one of my fellow creative counterparts who has taken a shining to my literary prose in these entries. She also gave me some muse to ponder about my whole sojourn: on the topic of gambling in general, "you win everytime you keep your money for you." The more you think about it, she is absolutely right.

The biggest pratfall in gambling is when one loses more than they intend to play with, and the addict (myself, for example) will attempt to play more in an attempt to earn back what they've originally lost. This strategy is more often than not faulty as the end result will mean the addict will be further behind than they would've been had they established a cut-off line. It ends up being a vicious circle where the losses keep piling up and they end up in a deep pit where they have almost no chance of escaping. For some hardened addicts, it's lead to lost assets like homes, broken families, and in some extreme cases... well, I'd rather not say, but let's just say it's never pleasant for the ones they left behind.

So my compatriot's words ring true when you come to the realization that in order to avoid traversing such a slippery slope, one needs to only risk what they can afford. Make sure you budget it as an entertainment expense, set a limit, and strictly adhere to it. However, it is much better if such an expense was utilized for better entertainment options; like going to the movies, attending a concert by an artist you really like, or like I'm planning with my savings: purchasing tickets to a game by your favourite sporting team. It's all about recognizing better ways of how the money spent on such sinful escapades can be used for activities that give you as much enjoyment without sending you into a dreaded abyss.

It's sage advice from supporters like her who will help keep me on the straight and narrow to my eventual goal. Thank you, "Red".

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but I should stop paying attention to college basketball and pay more attention to hockey. The stretch run to the playoffs is upon us!

Day 9 and 10... Another Evil I'm Aware Of

While the primary goal in this trial is to abstain from lottery products, I need to be conscious of other evils that are out there.

This past Thursday was St. Patrick's Day, and while it is truthfully to commemorate the patron saint of Ireland's ridding of snakes, most take it as an opportunity to celebrate by enjoying the livations of alcohol. I never understood why the truth is linked to this belief, but 'tis forever thus. Usually, the alcoholic beverage of choice at these celebrations is the unofficial beer of the Emerald Isle, Guinness Stout. Normally, I shy away from such a heavy brew; opting for the more domestic or craft brews that are created here in Southern Ontario (amongst my favourite crafts are Nickelbrook Green Apple Pilsner and Mill Street Brewery's Organic Lager). However, in keeping in the spirit of the day, I decided to head over to the local Beer Store in an attempt to pick up a single can of the dark brown liquid.

Unfortunately, to my dismay, the smallest size they were selling was a box of four cans, each slightly smaller than a pint. I debated about it for a couple days. I didn't want to be on the hook for such an exoberant amount of fluid, yet I didn't want to instead head for a local Irish pub and stand in line for hours on end just to enjoy a single pint. After some deliberation, I bit the bullet and purchased the case of four tins. However, there was another dilema I found myself in; one that still pains me for how taxing it was on my psyche.

The dilema was regarding my roommate. For those who don't know the story, 'twas just last March when my roommate partook in a foolish personal incident. As a result, he decided to drown his sorrows with alcohol. There is only one problem with that: he is a problematic binge drinker. If he doesn't have a drop of booze in his system, he's alright. However, when he starts to intake such hard livations, it is almost impossible to get him to stop. Last year's binge lasted for 5 days and ended up with him spending a week and a half in the hospital -- 5 days of which were in the Critical Care Unit -- because he was so dehydrated. It was a horrendous ordeal that I had to watch him drink himself into near oblivion and no matter what attempts I tried to get him to stop, it was for not. I wouldn't want to wish that upon anyone. Fast forward to yesterday.

So here I was, with over 1.75 litres of alcohol and I was trying to figure out how I could: A) enjoy it, and B) make sure he didn't see it and in turn, cause a possible relapse. The part B was a quandry as unlike my roommate's bingeing, I know my limitations: 2 drinks per day is my maximum. However, I was possession of 4 cans. How could I safely store the balance without him stumbling upon them? I was able to tuck them away in a nice, cool hiding place though: in the back of my drawer of our refrigerator's vegetable crisper. (Our fridge has two drawers for such; we usually keep our supplies of bagged milk stored in them.) I enjoyed two tins on Thursday before he came home from work; disposing of the finished containers before hours before he came through the door, and I hoped he wouldn't locate the remain two cannisters before I had the chance to indulge in them. When I checked Friday morning after he had left for his job they were still there, so I consumed them both later that day.

There was one slight drawback to my plan. My usual 2 drinks per day limits usually pertain to your average 12-ounce bottles of beer. If you take into account the size of the cannisters of draught beer I had consumed over the two days, I had knocked back the equivalent of just a shade over 5 bottles of beer in less than 36 hours. To say I was feeling pretty buzzed is an understatement. I'm not saying I'm proud of this "accomplishment", if you can even define it as that, and I would not advise anyone to attempt this either. If you are well aware of your limitations when it comes to alcohol, please make sure you adhere to them and never waiver. I'm just thankful I didn't end up vomiting from this ordeal nearly 11 hours after the completion of the last can. However, I'm sure I might be experiencing a bit of a hangover in the next little while. Time to pump more water down my gullet in hopes it will nullify the effects to a minute extent. Needless to say, it will be quite a while before I bring anymore alcohol into the apartment. The risks are too big.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but I wonder if we still have any Aspirin in the medicine cabinet; just in case.

Day 8... Recognizing Stressors

When one embarks upon a personal quest for betterment (is that even a word?) like they do during Lent, they must do so with a clear conscience that is free of any inhibitors. One of the primary road blocks in anyone's path to serenity is the presence of stress in one's life. Stress can take many forms: whether it be the temptation to abandon their ambitions and regress into the behaviour they are trying to change, or outside factors they feel may cloud their overall enjoyment in their journey. Today, I was able to recognize one of these outside factors.

The local movie theatre is showing an event on one of their screens in 2-1/2 weeks time and it has a tendency to sell out. I decided today to make a trek to said theatre, with my copy of Life of Pi in hand, and purchase my ticket in advance. I figured after I bought my ticket, I would head over to the David's Tea location within the adjacent shopping centre, purchase a cup of tea, then walk to the nearby outdoor public square and read whilst enjoying my beverage. As I sat in the square, sipping on my hot drink and reading -- taking the odd occasion to people watch -- I was struck by the sheer calmness of my surroundings. People passed by en route to the surrounding office buildings and condominiums, but I was oblivious to them. I felt like I was experiencing a true zen moment that relaxed my id to the point where I believed nothing could aggravate me. I was relishing this bliss so much that after I finished my tea, I decided to walk from said public square to my apartment building... which happened to be a good 3 miles away. Little did I realize that minutes after my eventual return to my abode that my good vibes would be infringed upon.

I hopped onto my computer to check in on my usual social feeds when for some reason, I decided to visit this one chat room that had some bad memories for me previously. About 4 months ago, I was participating in a writing challenge where I had set quite a lofty goal for myself. During my attempt then, I went into a downward spiral of anxiety and mental anguish. It got so bad that I started having delusions about other members of this chat room (some may argue I still do to a degree). I thought that 4 months apart might have healed those wounds, so I decided to return to the chat room. When I arrived, the anxiety began to return. I felt all of the mental anguish and perceived disdain build up within me once again. After a few minutes of not saying a thing, I left the site and began to re-evaluate my decision.

I was puzzled. While I could be classed as a social wallflower in person, online I was a pretty outgoing guy. How could this bout of social anxiety have gotten the better of me? I then dug deep into the recesses of my psyche to seek out the source of my mental and emotional discomfort. I traced it back to my ordeal 4 months prior and the whole circumstances that entailed it. I was able to pinpoint the fact that I had set a lofty goal during that writing challenge was the seed of my stress. It had gone dormant once that challenge had ended. Now, in 2 weeks, I am about to embark on another writing challenge, and it would appear that I had set some high expectations for myself once again. I recognized the similarities of the two and cited that setting myself on fire with these ambitions would prove taxing upon my psyche. While I doubt my frayed nerves would result in a relapse in my aspirations for Lent, the probability could not be ignored.

I took a step back and thought, "if the source of my anxiety was the fact that I'm putting too much pressure on myself with these high output expectations, perhaps I should downgrade my targets to a more comfortable level." And that's what I've done. My lofty goal expectation would have me attempting to scribe over 300 pages of material within 30 days. Now, I have dialled it back to where at the bare minimum, I will write 168 pages within that time frame. Ideally, I'd like to hammer out about 216 pages; thus, bettering my output from last April. However, I will do the best I can as long as my will and my comfort will allow me. If I make it, I will be happy. If I don't, I won't be disappointed; as long as I remain valiant in my attempt.

With this perceived monkey off of my back, I daringly made a return to the chat room later on in the evening, and my anxiety concerns were non-existant. I was able to participate in a few conversations and I didn't have any real need to leave until everyone else had called it a night. I don't know how often I will return to the chat room in the next little while. It will depend on my ebb and flow over the course of the next 6-1/2 weeks; however, recognizing the cause of my stress and finding a way to overcome it is another step on my path to improving myself overall.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but I also learned that when it comes to green tea, I prefer it freshly brewed instead of cold and/or blended into other products.

Day 7... A Taste I Haven't Acquired

Over the years there are few things in this world that I have developed a disliking to; two-faced people and things being shoved down my throat being the two main ones on my list.

Those two things go without saying. Who really likes someone who will be nice to your face, and then the second its turned, they stab you in the back? Also, don't you hate pushy marketers who are constantly in your face about such-and-such a person or item being the "newest and latest big thing"? (People who are handling Justin Bieber's career, I'm looking right at you.) I prefer things that are open and honest and haven't been forced upon me with the ideology that "everyone else likes it; why don't you?" It's just part of my personal beliefs. That's part of the reason why I have a level of discomfort when it comes to the marketing ploys by the Ontario Lottery & Gaming Corporation during my current quest.

While I am aware that this government-operated organization is not going to curtail their selling job to the masses just because I've taken a vow of abstinance from their products during Lent. It just appals me over the constant selling job their doing to hype whatever promotion they have ongoing.

Case in point: currently they're pushing the sale of a special Sweepstakes-like lotto game called "Millionaire Life". The grand prize is an annuity that pays out $1 Million Cdn a year for 25 years, but you can only win it if you match the exact 8-digit number that is drawn. They also offer subsidiary prizes of $1,000 and $20; depending on which part of the main draw number you match. What's more, they also entice players with promises of 31 prizes of an SUV up for grabs as well with an additional 17 draws for sportscars if you buy your tickets before this Thursday. Sounds enticing, doesn't it? But then you find out the cost of the tickets for this lottery promotion: $5 for one chance, $10 for three chances, or $20 for seven chances; plus, you can't pick the numbers you get. Your selection numbers are computer-generated; thus, adding to the probable likelihood that you'll be kissing some denomination of paper currency goodbye.

While I do commend this foul temptress in attempting to rope the gambling public with promises of a huge payout to one "lucky" individual, it is just basically another cash grab where the return on investment will be minimal, if any at all. In previous years when this promotion has been operated, I have tried and failed to cash in on even a $20 "peace offering". This year, I will not fall for this constructed con job.

I think that's one thing that this personal quest has opened my eyes to: the fact that this; along with the majority of other lottery products are all full of empty promises. Sure, once in a blue moon they'll throw you a bone to make you think you're actually ahead, but it's just an attempt to rope one in with the thinking, "if I was able to win this small amount, I bet I can score one of the bigger prizes." And before you know it, you'll be further behind than you'll be ahead. That's the mistake I've made in the past, and I've paid dearly for it. I am now cognizant to their tactics, and I hope that once Easter weekend is over, I will not forgo this wisdom I've learned.

Until next time, the views are from the outside, but I think I've found something else I don't like: cold green tea. Blech!

Days 5 & 6... "Do you like... Pi?"

Sometimes the best way to relax and fend off temptation is curling up with a good book. And with today being what it was, I think the title of the book is a propos.

I received some good news today when I was checking my bank account. My 2010 Income Tax had been processed and my refund was directly deposited into it. With my new found wealth, I came through on my promise to pay myself by replenishing my Season Ticket fund (I had to dip into it this month to help make ends meet because the balance for this season's tickets for the Ti-Cats -- $160 -- came out on March 2nd. I won't have to worry about it come this time next year.). I also finalized plans to go to a minor league hockey game with my roommate in just under 4 weeks by buying the tickets today (and informing him how much he needs to reimburse me for his ticket). However, that wasn't the only purchase I made today.

Today happened to be "Pi Day." It's been labelled as such by some "intellectuals" because the date can be written as "3.14", a.k.a. pi rounded to two decimal places. To celebrate, people who observe this day like to indulge in a slice of pie. It doesn't have to be any particular variety of the dessert; just as long as it's enjoyed. (And yes, I'm fully aware of what some perverted males like to refer to this day as too, but I'm not going to dignify that with any additional description.) Anyway, I had all intentions to have a taste of a sweet treat later in the evening, but there was something more I felt was needed to make this day complete. It wasn't some coffee from Tim Horton's or some Cocomama Lime from David's Tea. The nourishment I craved was for my mind; specifically, a certain book.

I was familiar with this particular novel for a while now, but had never read it. A search of the Toronto Public Library database stated that there were no available copies near my apartment complex. If I wanted this day to be complete, I had to go and seek out a copy for purchase. After picking up the tickets to the hockey game, I went on a search in any downtown bookstore I came across to see if they had a copy. Fortunately, I located one in the Coles in Commerce Court. $22 and change later, I had in my paws the final piece of my Pi Day enlightment puzzle. The book in question? The 2002 winner of the Man Booker Prize for Canadian Fiction, Life of Pi by Yann Martel. (And insert the collective groan here.)

So tonight, as I was killing time until Monday Night RAW started, I dined on a slice of McCain's frozen chocolate cream pie while reading the tale of a man who was originally raised as the son of a zoo owner in the former French India, but currently resides in the Toronto area. It's a good book so far -- even though I'm only about 11.8% finished it. However, it'll be a good distraction from the temptations of lottery tickets for the next little while. It wasn't easy walking from Union Station up to Queen & Yonge and seeing a few lottery kiosks along my route, but I resisted the urges and kept true to my goal. Of course, the Shamrock Shake from McDonald's helped too.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but I am still "The temptation beating, pie eating, book reading, writer of scenes stealing, my roommate might be a hindering *CENSORED*, but I'm doing this to save my soul", yours truly. (A little bit of a nod to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson on that sign-off.)

Day 4.. The Tempter I Live With

I knew I would eventually come across some naysayers. I just didn't think it would come under the same roof I call home.

No one said that me giving up lottery purchases for the 47 days of Lent was going to be easy; I knew I would come across my share of temptation whenever I happened to be in a convenience store making a simple purchase of a beverage or tokens for future transit trips. However, tonight, I would have an enticer sitting in the recliner beside me.

My roommate and I were discussing the Pro-Line ticket he wagered on some hockey games tonight. He asked if I played a ticket for some games tonight, and I told him no and explained my ambitions for this bid of abstinence. Naturally, he mocked me; citing that I'm no saint by any stretch -- guilty as charged there, but then again, neither is he. He agreed that I do tend to spend quite a bit on lottery tickets that usually end up for not. But instead of commending me for my intent, he suggested that I "cut back" to the point where I only purchase one Pro-Line ticket a week like he says he does.

Notably, I was upset and insulted. Here I was, attempting to better myself with a noble aspiration, and he turns around and offers a minimal alternative. That's like telling a drug addict who believes that he should kick the habit by going cold turkey that he can still feed his addiction by taking a smaller dosage. Addictions are addictions, and any insinuations or recommendations that a little bit will help curb the addiction is ill-advised and leaves the door wide open to a devastating relapse. Already I've had thoughts of going back to my old ways well after this trial period is over. However, I am trying my best to stick this out and stay clean until Easter Sunday, if not well beyond. Mind you, that free ticket I had for the Lotto Max last night didn't help matters either. As predicted, I didn't win anything on it, but one has to wonder if the seed has been planted for an eventual relapse once the next 6 weeks and a bit have passed. It's something I admit I'm worried about, and his brash bravado and suggestion is not helping. Just add it to the growing list of things I need to fight during this test.

Thankfully, my tea supplies are still ample; I can take some solace in that if need be.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but I'm still battling the demon within.

Day 3.. Pure Sereni-tea

Sometimes, a good way to unwind is with a nice soothing drink. While some people prefer an aperatif of an alcoholic nature, others find it in a relaxing warm beverage; like tea, for example.

Most people who know me know that I am a devout follower of the Canadian coffee chain, Tim Horton's. I thoroughly enjoy their coffee and hot chocolate -- not to mention their selection of baked goods are to die for. Once in a blue moon, I will enjoy a cup of tea from "Timmie's" as a change of pace. Compared to the selection one would find in your average grocery store, I felt the tea offerings from the Canadian coffee giant were superb. That was until last month.

A couple of my writing friends had started raving about a chain of tea boutiques that have popped up in select markets in Canada, called David's Tea. Their stores offer a wide variety of loose-leaf teas that make the selection at Tim Horton's about as bland as the grocery store offerings. At first I wasn't really convinced that such a chain could be all that special. That was until I stepped into one of their locations. In any location, there is a long wall filled with cannisters; each cannister containing a blend of shredded tea leaves (whether it be black, green, white, oolong, or herbal) combined with different ingredients which not only gives each blend a flavourful taste, but quite a delectible scent.

In the month and a half that has since passed, I have purchased a couple black tea blends and one oolong. In fact, as I write this, I'm currently enjoying a cup of a black tea blend that has been combined with coconut and vanilla; which funny enough, they call "Buttered Rum". However, my favourite of the ones I've tried so far is the other black tea blend I have on hand that combines chocolate with dried chili peppers called, appropriately enough, "Chocolate Chili Chai."

Some people love the tea so much, they will add brewed tea into their everyday recipes. One blog that lists their culinary creations is Cooking Simplicitea (http://cookingsimplicitea.tumblr.com/) After reading their mouthwatering creations, I made a batch of my homemade chili with the Chocolate Chili Chai as an added ingredient. It came out quite nicely, and I've had requests for my recipe. It's amazing what the power of some tea leaves can do to punch up a dish.

So here I sit, with my mug of tea, and relishing the fact that I've been "clean and sober" for 3 days now. There was a huge lotto jackpot tonight that was worth $50 Million, but aside from the free ticket I had won last week, I did not purchase any additional tickets for the draw. In the unlikely event I do end up win anything tonight, I have vowed not to cash in the ticket until after Lent has been completed. That way, I can avoid any temptation to turn around and spend my winnings on lottery products; thus, rendering my bid null and void. It's tough love, but if I want to stick to my guns, I have to commit to it.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but this tea is very nice to close out the evening.

Day 2.. still doing it

As Day 2 draws to a close, I face a bit of a quandry: does noshing on all of the baked goods my roommate brings home from work act as a fattening placebo to my anti-gambling Lent vow?

For those who don't know, or might have forgotten, my roommate works at a bakery. For the past couple of nights, he's brought home items from his workplace to share with me. Last night, it was an apple pie. Tonight, we split a half-dozen each of cherry-cheese danish and Hot Cross buns. This is not going to help my sweet tooth, but the wares are delicious as always. I'll be spacing out my allotment over the next few days though; consuming the whole lot in one shot would be murder on my Type-II.

As for my non-eating activities, I was able to catch some of the Big East Conference men's college basketball quarterfinals today: UConn over Pittsburgh; Syracuse defeating St. John's, and Notre Dame besting Cincinnati. And when I wasn't watching the action on the hardwood from Madison Square Garden, I plowed through a few chapters of the memoir I mentioned yesterday. The only problem is, I only have about 50 pages left in it. Guess I'll have to find something else to read to help pass the time before Script Frenzy starts in 3 weeks. I've done a considerable amount of plotting for that already, but perhaps I can start thinking of some sub-plots to go with my ideas. 7 half-hour sitcom-length scripts need some diversion from the main plots in them. Who knows? Maybe I'll come up with some more episode ideas to help fill the gaps; there's still time.

As for my "case study", I'm still achieving my intent with flying colours. I just have to make sure if I'm in a convenience store buying a bottle of Coke or bus tokens to ignore the lottery terminal and scratch ticket displays. I haven't had to encounter that so far, but there's still 45 days I have to remain "clean and sober", per se. The real test is still to come.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but thank God I have a good supply of David's Tea on hand. However, that's a retailer for another blog entry.

Day 1.. a little late

While I do have a noble goal for Lent, it's too bad I couldn't add onto it and say that I was going to blog every day, but Lent is about giving things up; not adding things to one's schedule.

As I write this, it's just after midnight on Day 2 of 47. My first day of my Lent project went along quite nicely. I resisted the temptation to purchase any lottery products, and I even treated myself to a fruit smoothie from the nearby Tim Horton's. They started producing the fruit beverages this past Monday, and I figured it would be a nice change from the usual coffee or hot chocolate I usually get. The only problem is, it's not really fun drinking a cold beverage while doing a short walk from the coffee shop to your apartment building during a snowstorm. At least the snow didn't dilute it too much.

Otherwise, I spent the afternoon watching the bevy of college basketball conference tournaments on the tele. I'm not really much for college sports on TV, but when it gets down to these tournaments and bowl games, then it piques my interest. Plus, it doesn't hurt when some of these games go right down to the wire; like the 2nd Round Big East game between Rutgers and St. John's this afternoon, then the Northeast Conference Championship game between Long Island and Robert Morris that went into overtime. Chances are, I'll be watching the Big East Quarterfinal between St. John's and Syracuse later this afternoon. And if any of these games turn into blowouts, I can always go back to reading the memoir I bought last week.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but right now, I'm 2.1% complete in my goal.

A Personal Challenge

cough, hack, weeze... Oy, someone needs to dust this place more regularly. Oh wait, this is supposed to be my responsibility. Man, I'm one lax bugga.

It's hard to believe that it's been 7 months since I last updated this thing. A lot has happened in that time span. But I don't want to waste too much time recapping so I'll try to summarize..

• Attended the 6th "RCW 139" Due South fan convention where I reunited with a few old friends and made some new ones,
• Participated and won my second attempt at National Novel Writing Month by producing a nearly 64,000-word mini-memoir,
• Survived being home alone for two weeks when my roommate visited his mom out in Vancouver, and
• Embarked on a road trip that took my roommate and myself to Rochester, NY to attend an indoor lacrosse game and back home within 17 hours.

The next little while, I will be prepping to participate in my second attempt at Script Frenzy -- another writing challenge where one attempts to pump out 100-pages of script within the 30 days of April. I'm going to attempt to write a few episodes of a sitcom idea I've had rattling around in my head for a bit. However, that isn't the only challenge I'm issuing to myself; which is the reason why I'm writing this entry now.

Now, I'll admit I'm not the most religious guy out there; however, I am familiar with the concept of Lent; which will be starting up this coming Wednesday. Most people associate it with giving up certain types of food (which gives us the awesome lead-up event: Pancake Day on Shrove Tuesday); however, some people modify that to apply to an attempt to abstain from certain vices they like to enjoy. I remember, about 15 years ago, a girl I was dating at the time, challenged me to give up something I enjoyed for the nearly 7-week period. I won't say what that was as this is supposed to be a family-friendly blog, but I will confess that I didn't meet up to my end of the bargain. I figured this year, the time was right to give Lent another go; however, this time with an attempt to go without something else I enjoy; something that is one of my most destructive behaviours.

I will be the first to admit it; I have a gambling problem. It's not so much going to the track or the slot machines frequently and losing my shirt in the process -- I do that on my sporadic visits -- but it's more my constant impulse buys for lottery tickets. The daily lottos, the occassional weekly/bi-weekly lotto when the jackpot is at a decent amount, and more frequently, instant scratch tickets. I can't count how much I have spent on scratch tickets in recent memory, but they do add up over the years. It is something I'm not proud of, and its something I want to change before I end up in a worse situation than I'm already in, and believe me, after the past few years I've had, it's pretty bad.

Wanting to change such behaviour is something I never thought of doing in the first place; until this year. With me turning the Big 4-0 later this summer, I want to start building a little nest egg for myself. Nothing really fancy, but build up some savings so I'm not scrambling around in October, trying to figure out a payment plan that will enable me to renew my season tickets to the Ti-Cats for another year. Plus, after attending that lacrosse road game in Rochester, I decided I'd like to try and buy season tickets to the local lacrosse team here too. These two ventures cost money, and if I want to afford them both, I need to come up with a savings plan to pull it off. So, starting this month, I'll be setting aside $60 a month to go into this special Season Tickets fund and any extra could be utilized for any other emergency that may arise. While this seems like a noble option, I do also realize that my vice could come into play and steal away those savings to fund its addiction. This is where my plan for Lent comes in.

For the 47 days -- March 9 to April 24, 2011 -- I will vow not to purchase a single lottery ticket and possibly sock a little extra into this season tickets fund in the process. It's going to be tough since I'm essentially going cold turkey in the process; however, if I really want to make this work and be serious about saving some coin (and indirectly, myself), I have to stick to my guns. If the Lotto Max is flirting with or reaches $50 Million, then after this coming Tuesday, I have to fight my urges and resist plopping down some unnecessary cash for a chance to most likely confirm that I did not win and it was an ill-advised purchase. No Lotto Max, no Lotto 6/49, no Daily Keno, Pick-3, Poker Lotto, or Pro-Line. And especially, no instant scratch tickets. All of those must not be purchased for over a month and a half. I need to do this for me.

To further monitor my progress, I will "attempt" to keep a daily blog of my progress during the 47 days. The final 24 might be a bit of a problem since I will be occupied with Script Frenzy, but I will try my best to keep the... is it 4 now?... readers posted. Wish me luck.

Until next time, the views may be from the outside, but this is something that will test my mettle.